


400 Days (of Liminal Space)

by niente



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Arbitrary dates, Brief but canonical discussions of sex crimes/rape, Character Study, Contradictory Statements of Feelings, Depression, Gen, M/M, Not Season 17 Compliant, Past canonical relationships for Nick, coping with loss, moving forward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 10:44:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6048559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niente/pseuds/niente
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Collectively, it takes only a few minutes for Nick’s life to completely fall apart. But to put it back together – the pieces don’t always want to fit neatly again. 400 days of continuous work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	400 Days (of Liminal Space)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my self-indulgent, ‘Nick gets a happy ending’ fic since I was really disappointed on how his character was handled at the end. Also, I marathoned seasons 13-16 on Netflix last week and now I don’t know what to do with myself. 
> 
> I wrote this as I’ve been going through every Barisi fic on this goddamn site because there’s only 20 Barba/Amaro fics and I’m dead on the inside. The inspiration, despite being fuelled by bitterness, is that Nick was set up to be a very tragic character during his run. I wanted to explore a bit more his psyche in having to suddenly drop his life in New York. So it's more of a character study than anything. I threw in the Barba/Amaro to change things up (and because I'm not competent enough in my writing skills to make it Barba/Amaro/Benson aka the Dream Team). 
> 
> Note: As this an SVU related story, there is a point near the end of the fic where the detectives are working on a rape case. Since there are no graphic details and it's only ever discussed as a court case, I decided that using the rape archive warning was laying it on a little thick. That being said, if you're still feel worried about reading anything even related to rape skip Day 371 through to Day 378. The dates are labelled for you!

(1 minute)

“I got a job offer in L.A.,” Maria says.

The way she says it is so matter of fact. It’s how Maria has always done things, she says something and there is no discussion. She believes all her words should be obeyed upon being heard.

Nick opens his mouth to argue. He _wants_ to fight – for Zara – for a chance to be a family again. But really, that ship has sailed, he and Maria are long over and that’s not even the horrible thing. It’s that he and Maria and Zara are a family, and the divorce didn’t change that. But now two thirds of his family is going to the other side of the country.

And Nick is just so tired.

He shuts his mouth and mutely accepts Maria’s words.

 

(30 seconds)

Maria gets into the car, she doesn’t spare Nick a glance. Zara does, pressing her tiny hand against the window. Nick gives her a smile, it’s to comfort her but only feels like a lie. He’s not okay with this, but for Zara’s sake he needs to be.

The engine revs and Maria pulls away. Nick blinks and the car is already down the street and he can’t make out Zara in the backseat anymore.

 

(2 minutes, 20 seconds)

“We can’t stay Nick,” Cynthia says.

Nick grips more tightly onto the mug of coffee she offered him. He doesn’t really want any more coffee, but he accepted it anyway. All he ever does is drink the stuff at work and most of the reasons he’s high strung is because of his caffeine levels. Though he feels bad about wasting it, but they’ve done this enough times that neither of them will bother mentioning it.

“I can protect you,” Nick blurts.

She gives him a sad look and then stares down at the table. Nick wants to laugh at himself – he does let out a snort of self-deprecation. He can’t even take care of himself these days. He hasn’t been home to his own apartment in over a week – there’s far too much grief dealing with the memories of Zara.

Cynthia’s unsaid words ring loudly. She appreciates the offer, but they both know it’s not true.

“We’re going to San Diego, it will be good for Gilberto,” Cynthia adds. “A fresh start. Away from the scars of New York.”

Nick looks to where Gil is tucked away in the living room, homework in his lap. He doesn’t have many friends here. It hurts, but Nick knows it’s the truth.

 

(10 seconds)

It all happens so fast. Johnny D has the gun and then he’s got a hostage. Nick doesn’t hesitate to pull out his own gun and dart after him. He hears Liv shouting at him – there’s no need to be a hero. All that matters is Nick’s safety to her. But Nick needs to take care of others before himself.

In the hallway, he fires twice and Johnny D fires the same number in retaliation. His shots hit their mark and Johnny D crumples. Dead.

The bullets hit Nick, tearing through his knee and into his abdomen. The pain is unbelievable as he falls to the ground. He hears Olivia shouting and soon she’s at his side, her hands quickly covered in blood as she presses against his abdomen.

He’s aware that Barba’s there too, kneeling beside him. Barba’s hands are pressed gently to his shoulders, comforting him.

There’s no comfort here. Nick can’t feel his knee – he felt the entry wound but now nothing.

A leg doesn’t just go dead and recover.

Even with Liv’s hands pressing to his wound and Barba’s grounding touch, Nick goes cold.

His career is over.

He doesn’t fight the emptiness that is taking over. He ignores Liv’s increasingly frantic calls to him, for someone else to help, to anyone. The last thing he sees is Barba’s eyes boring into his before Nick slips into the abyss.

 

(Day 1)

Maria brings Zara and Cynthia drops Gil off to help him unpack. The task takes them under 3 hours to do so fully.

After Maria and Zara had moved out of the New York apartment, Nick found himself with very little personal belongings. His life had been Zara and his job. Without Zara, he found ways to avoid sleeping in his bare apartment.

“You have no furniture,” Maria comments.

She doesn’t mean it to be rude, but it comes off that way. Nick wants to make a comment about how she took everything, but refrains from doing so.

“I’ll go to Ikea,” he says instead and pulls a box onto the counter.

Zara and Gil are in the main room, attempting to make sense of their father’s DVD collection. Every once and awhile, one of their voices will float into the kitchen confused at the movie’s title. Apparently having an appreciation of Mexican telenovelas is a crime.

Maria is more helpful, setting up Nick’s kitchen. When she leaves, he’ll re-arrange it. There is a system he developed living alone but Maria doesn’t need to know that.

“These are pictures,” Nick sighs, opening the box that is marked ‘KITCHEN.’

“Must’ve reused the box,” Maria says, looking over her shoulder. “That looks like my printing.”

It does resemble Maria’s tight print more than Nick’s own. But the marker is too fresh for him to believe that. He must have been somewhere else when putting this box together.

On top of the pile is a silver framed photo of Nick, Olivia, and Noah. All together, with a Christmas tree in the background, they look like a family.

“What’s that?” Maria asks, turning to look at the photo.

Nick stuffs back into the box. He feels intensely protective about the picture – like Maria will somehow taint it if she looks at it. It’s a ridiculous thought. Just a photo of two people Nick cares very deeply about. Maria would understand that. Nick still shuts the box and picks it up.

“For the bedroom,” he tells her and carries it to the back of the apartment.

It’s a short walk since it’s a small apartment, a main bedroom and a smaller one for Zara and Gil. The bedroom is roughly the same size as his old one, to fit his same bed. Though he’s considering getting a new one since it’s still the same one he and Maria bought for their first apartment together.

Placing the box on the bed, Nick stands in the center of the room for a few minutes, looking around at the plain walls. The photos will do well in here.

Maria and Zara have pulled the blinds open, allowing sunlight to flood the room. It’s sunny L.A. and not dreary New York anymore, after all. Outside, he can see the beach and people laughing – like their lives can’t change in a few seconds.

Suddenly feeling angry at the change, being forced out of his life in New York, Nick marches over to the windows and pulls the shades shut. It’s a violent movement that pulls the room into darkness. The continuing anger has him shove the box of pictures into the back of his closet, hiding Olivia and Noah away.

Nick can’t deal with that here.

Not now.

“Nick?” Maria calls, worried.

“I’ll be right there!” Nick replies.

He unclenches his fists and lets the breath out, neither of which he had been aware of. Focusing on releasing the tension from his shoulders, Nick heads back to the kitchen. He tries to pretend it’s okay as he stumbles and hides the winces of pain that come from his knee.

Zara and Gil are in the kitchen now, bickering with each other in Spanish.

“I was thinking we could order pizza,” Nick says, to get them to stop their argument.

Zara shrieks and Gil’s eyes widen.

“Nick,” Maria warns softly.

Nick ignores her. She’s understandably worried about Nick having Zara and Gil stay over for an extended amount of time. They had argued about it earlier in the morning since Cynthia had already given Gil permission to stay over. Maria thinks Nick should be seeing a therapist on top of his physical therapy. He’s inclined to believe her, from her own experience. But he’s too stubborn to think that this is something he can’t handle on his own.

“It’s fine, c’mon and help me pick the best place,” Nick says, gesturing for Zara and Gil to follow him to the main room.

He leaves Maria and her disapproving energy behind in the kitchen.

 

(Day 2)

After both Zara and Gil leave, Nick curls back into bed. The apartment is a mess, particularly Gil and Zara’s room, with paint drying and half built furniture. Nick can’t really bring himself to care, he just feels so tired.

The blinds are still shut and the room is still encased in darkness. But from his position in his bed, Nick can make out the shape of the box of photos in his closet.

They’re mocking him.

But he can’t get up to close the closet door.

He just flips to his other side and stares at the empty white wall instead.

 

(Day 5)

The only times Nick has gotten to get out of bed is to use the bathroom and answer the door for the delivery guy.

Trash litters the floor of his bedroom and dirty dishes cover most free surfaces. The apartment reeks and so does Nick, since he hasn’t showered since arriving.

At this point, he hasn’t been moving enough and his knee has become too stiff. The pain to even just sit up in bed is almost unbearable.

Thinking about his situation only makes him sink further into it.

 

(Day 10)

There’s a swift knock on the door and Nick’s going to ignore it. There’s no need for him to answer it. He hasn’t called a delivery guy and he’s only been living here for 10 days, so there’s no way he’s behind on any bills.

But the knocking continues. Harsh and determined. Whoever is on the other side isn’t going to be ignored.

Flopping backwards in bed, Nick sighs.

“Alright!” he shouts. “I’ll be right there!”

It’s easier said than done. Nick begins the slow, painful process of pulling himself out of bed. A few days ago, he pulled his crutches from his closet and put them close by. They help alleviate the pain of his knee and increase his mobility.

A voice in the back of his head chimes in to tell him if he went to PT, this wouldn’t be a problem. Nick tells that voice to fuck off as he fumbles with the crutches.

The knocking is even more insistent by the time Nick yanks the door open.

He comes face to face with a very annoyed looking Amanda Rollins.

“Rollins?” Nick says, surprised.

“You’ve been away from New York for 12 days and Liv gets a call that you’ve missed every single one of your PT appointments,” she says, marching into his apartment. “This place is a mess.”

“Well I haven’t exactly gotten out of bed in the past few days,” he says.

She whirls around to face him, but her eyes are soft. Apologetic, even.

“Go take a shower, Nick. I’ll clean up,” she says, just forcefully enough for it to no longer be considered a suggestion.

He hobbles back to his bedroom, collects clean clothes and then heads to the washroom. He places them next to sink and leans his crutches there too, transferring his weight to his legs. Nick winces in pain and quickly rectifies the situation by grabbing onto the shower door’s handle.

It takes a few tries to actually get into the shower. There’s no place for him to sit and he can’t take the pressure of standing for very long. But he’s too proud to ask Amanda for help. He put himself in this situation and he’s the only who can get himself out of it.

In the end, Nick finds himself leaning against the wall with his weight on one leg and his hand gripping the door handle. It’s not comfortable, but the hot water feels too good on his skin to move.

Nick just stands in the water for a long time, the grime being flushed away from his skin. It’s only when his arm begins to shake from the exertion does he haul himself out.

If the hot water felt good, then the clean clothes are like heaven. They smell like the Liv’s apartment since he washed all his clothes there before coming to LA. The fabric is no longer stale and stiff, but soft and pliable against his skin. Clean and in new clothes, Nick can almost forget why he had holed himself in his bedroom in the first place.

But when he braces his hands against the edges of the sink and stares at himself in the mirror, he remembers. There’s a broken man being reflected back at him. There are dark bags underneath his eyes and his scruff is getting to a near beard level – he hasn’t had a beard since he worked Narcotics. He looks wild.

And his eyes –

Well they’ve always been dark, the pupil nearly indiscernible in the center but there was always a brightness reflected in them. Now Nick just sees the darkness. The very same abyss he let himself slip into while Liv and Barba covered their hands in his blood trying to save him.

He growls at himself, tearing his gaze from the mirror. The movement is too sudden and combined with the weight on his bad knee, he crashes backwards. The fall is in slow motion and Nick reaches out to try to grab something to stop it. Instead, one hand slips on the wet shower door and the other hand grabs uselessly at the damp towel.

He lands heavily against the wall and slides all the way down when he realizes how pathetic he must look. A little over a fortnight ago, he could’ve easily caught himself. These days Nick can barely take a shower.

Getting out of bed, although still a difficult task, has a different source. So he gives himself a little leeway for that one.

“Nick?” Amanda calls, voice soft as she knocks on the door. “Is everything alright?”

She’s tentative, which is unlike her. Though Nick knows why she’s being so careful – he hates the mess he’s trapped her in. Amanda doesn’t want to upset him by treating him like glass, but she’s treating him like glass by being so careful. A few weeks ago, nothing would’ve stopped Amanda from barging in and shouting at Nick for being such a reckless idiot.

“Yeah,” Nick says, voice short. “It’s fine, I just slipped.”

“Okay. Hurry up will you? I made lunch and it’s going to get cold,” she says.

Nick listens to her footsteps back down the hall before he does anything. Restoring himself back to two feet is a challenging task. He withholds every grunt of pain that comes out. Though it is a characteristic of Amanda to jump to help, Nick still doesn’t want her barging in and seeing him like this.

Wet, broken, and with empty eyes.

It takes several attempts, but a few minutes later Nick is heading to the kitchen. Amanda is at the stove, humming a soft song to herself. Nick wonders what has her in such a good mood – he’s never heard her hum before. He stands on the other side of the counter from her, letting his hands rest on the surface. It’s a casual gesture, but he’s using it to hide his inability to put weight on his leg.

“Hey,” she greets then gestures to the pot on the stove. “I know it’s not much, but you know I can’t cook.”

“It beats the takeout I’ve been eating,” Nick says.

She smiles and splits the pot of chicken noodle soup – from the package not canned – between two bowls. Once finished, she hands one to Nick. And the two of them just stand across from each other, sipping from the bowls with no spoons in complete, companionable silence. Like the good old days – before their disastrous attempt at a relationship.

While eating, Nick notices that Amanda was busy while he was in the shower. Several garbage bags are sitting by the front door, ready to be taken to the dumpsters. Once cluttered surfaces are now clean. The apartment looks like it did the first day. Nick’s attempt to build a home on his own had failed, but thanks to Amanda he gets a second attempt.

“I don’t want to pry,” Amanda says, finally breaking the silence. “But I found a box of pictures in your closet. Namely the ones from your time in New York.”

Nick feels his walls slam back up. He sees the picture of Liv and Noah – his could’ve, would’ve, should’ve family. The irrational anger rears its ugly head and he slams the empty bowl back onto the counter.

“Why are you here, Rollins?” he demands, deflecting.

To her credit, Amanda doesn’t flinch. Her eyes get sad and Nick feels his lips curl downwards. He can’t take her pity.

“Liv’s still your emergency contact and your physical therapist contacted her when you missed every single one of your meetings since coming to LA,” she says.

“Oh and let me guess, Sergeant Benson couldn’t be bothered to come down to LA to fix Nick Amaro again right?” Nick says, all the ugly emotions leaping out.

He pushes away from the counter and makes to move away quickly. But his knee has other plans. Crumpling to the ground, Nick shouts out in pain. He takes a chair with him as he goes. Amanda calls out his name and runs around the counter. She kneels in front of him, checking him over. It takes everything in him to resist the urge to push her away.

“Are you okay?” she asks, trying to meet his eyes.

Nick looks away. He’s embarrassed and ashamed. He skipped PT and now he can barely stand.

“Why are you here?” he asks again, voice choked and tight. “Why did Liv send you?”

His hand clenches into a first, refusing to cry in front of Amanda.

“No – Nick it’s not like that,” she says, reaching out to touch his shoulder. “Liv’s preparing for the lieutenant exam and she’s in charge of our whole unit, with Noah on top of all that. She’d give anything to be here right now, but it just doesn’t work.”

A lump forms in Nick’s throat. He feels the irresistible urge to call Liv right now and apologize. She doesn’t know the nasty things he said about her, but it doesn’t mean Liv deserves them. He hates that he’s upsetting Liv, he hates that he’s disappointing her.

“Please don’t tell her about this,” Nick says weakly. “I can’t – she can’t know.”

“What am I going to tell her then Nick? You haven’t been going to PT and she knows it.”

“I’ll start going – just tell her I was busy unpacking. Just don’t tell her what’s actually going on,” Nick begs.

Amanda looks dubious, but Nick knows she hates disappointing Liv too. Not as much as he does, but there’s a similar feeling there. After a few tense moments, she nods.

“Thank you,” Nick says hoarsely.

“Come on, let’s get you up,” she says, clapping her hands against her thighs.

Amanda stands up and sticks a hand out for Nick. Not meant to be demeaning or a symbol of help, but a gesture of solidarity. He accepts it and pulls himself upwards.

Maybe this is meant to be the beginning of something.

 

(Day 12)

His phone rings as Nick’s getting home from PT. He places his crutches against the wall before answering.

“So the Park Police, huh?” Liv’s voice greets him like a favourite song that he hasn’t heard in forever.

But her tone also indicates that she doesn’t buy the lie.

“Liv,” he exhales, filled with relief and joy.

“Nick,” she replies and he can hear her smiling into the receiver. “I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier and about sending Rollins, but it’s been hectic here and –“

“Don’t,” Nick tells her. “There’s no need. I deserved it.”

“No one deserves to be ambushed like that,” Liv says softly. “But how have you been?”

“I have a feeling you already know.”

“But I want to hear it from you.”

Nick sighs and runs a hand through his hair. It’s getting long and his curls are wild. He should find a hairdresser before he starts to look completely unemployable. Living off his pension is nice, but it won’t last forever.

“It’s been going, whether I like it or not,” he says.

‘Your picture is in my closet and I’ve been thinking about throwing out,’ is what he wants to say. But he doesn’t.

“I thought so,” Liv says. “I think you should see a therapist Nick.”

“A shrink? No way,” he says because that’s what Nick Amaro does.

He fights Liv’s decisions when she tries to help him.

“Nick please,” Liv says, voice cracking slightly. “So much is changing for you right now and you shouldn’t be alone.”

“So I pay for someone to talk to?” he says, bitter and angry. “Am I that pathetic?”

“No, you can always talk to me but there’s only so much I can offer. And only so much you’ll want to tell me,” she adds the last bit like an after thought, but it’s more meaningful than she knows.

He bites his lips and thinks about it. Talking to Liv is nice, but there are so many things he can’t tell her.

“Okay,” he says after a beat.

“Good, I have a number here. Someone located in LA that my therapist recommended. You don’t have to call immediately – just promise that you will call.”

“I promise.”

And Nick has never broken a promise to Liv.

 

(Day 26)

The day had started well.

Zara and Gil were supposed to stay for the weekend. He talked to both Cynthia and Maria to arrange to have them both at the same time. He needs to finish their room. The painting is finished and now they have to furnish the room. Nick hasn’t had them stay at his apartment since the very first day and he needs to have some more life in the apartment. He’s been planning their time together since Monday.

The plan was for the three of them to head to Ikea and pick out furniture for their room and the rest of Nick’s apartment. He’s getting kind of tired of using a series of boxes as tables.

However, Maria gets delayed with work and is unable to drive Zara across the city. There’s a flu going around at Gil’s school, leaving him bedridden. Figures that the thing that’s been getting him through his intense PT is now cancelled. That’s just how Nick’s life works.

After getting the call from Cynthia, Nick shuffles back to his room. The blinds are permanently closed and the box of pictures is still shoved in the very back of his closet. He’s starting to think that maybe it’s not the picture of Liv and Noah that offends him so much. Since Liv’s call and their subsequent conversations, he’s been considering hanging it up in the main room.

Though when he picked it up, he remembers the picture that is beneath it. Though it’s turned around and only the back is showing, Nick knows exactly what the image contains. What is represents mocks him with a fierce intensity that has Nick sick to his stomach. The state of the entire relationship has him regretting his flight from New York. The picture calls like a Siren for him to return, but Nick will never move on if he crawls back to New York.

Thinking of the picture makes Nick wants to retreat back to bed.

But he’s come so far in the past couple of weeks. His knee is moving better every day and the pain is reducing. Nick’s exercising outside of PT and learning his neighbourhood. He’s even begun a precursory job search.

He can’t allow himself to fall prey to the nagging feels in the back of his head.

So Nick exits his dark bedroom. Leaving the closed blinds and box of pictures, the source of all his anxieties.

Two photographs that represent his deepest regrets, neither of which can be accurately pinpointed as the most upsetting. They just tend to flip depending on how attached to LA he is and how recently Liv has called.

He returns to the kitchen and looks at the fridge, where a single note is stuck to the surface.

A phone number and a promise.

 

(Day 45)

Nick gets a phone call from New York. It’s someone he didn’t think he’d hear from again – not since the way that they parted.

He isn’t able to answer the phone when it comes. But he listens to the message an hour later, not sure if he’s grateful that he missed it.

The source of the call sends him crawling back to bed and he nearly smashes the second picture in the box. Instead he pulls his duvet from his bed and pulls the blinds shut in the main room.

The couch is an okay substitute.

 

(Day 60)

“Do you miss New York, Nick?” Dr. Schaub asks.

“That seems like an obvious question doesn’t it?” Nick replies back, snorting.

“Is it?” she says, looking at him over her glasses.

In the back of his mind, Nick hears a soft but sharp ‘Objection, your Honour!’ He laughs at how he relates this to a court case. How can Dr. Schaub even ask that question when Nick’s mind is run like a Manhattan courtroom?

“You don’t talk about it very often,” Dr. Schaub continues. “Maybe a story here or there, but in our sessions you talk about life in LA”

Nick feels like he talks about New York all the time. Maria is always getting annoyed with him for bringing it up and not focusing on his life in LA. Even his own head is a jumble of stories from New York.

“I don’t know where to start,” Nick says. “It was my life.”

Dr. Schaub nods.

A thought jumps into Nick’s head. He hears ‘relevance’ in the background, but goes on with the thought anyway.

“I have this box of photos in my closet,” Nick says. “They’re all from my time with SVU, but I can’t bring myself to open the box. Every time I open it – I just get so angry. So I put the photos away.”

“Maybe they represent something you have to face,” Dr. Schaub says. “You left so suddenly and changed your life in a heartbeat. Now that you’re finally settling, your mind is realizing that you just left an entire life behind.”

Nick clenches and unclenches his fist. He doesn’t want to admit that she might be right, but she is.

 

(Day 67)

Nick pulls out the picture of Noah, Liv, and himself. He smiles at it and sets it on his bedside table.

It looks good there.

 

(Day 80)

“Have you thought about getting a job?” Maria asks when she comes to pick Zara up.

Zara is already halfway down the hall, ready to spend time with her mother. Maria planned this so Zara wouldn’t hear them fight. It’s no secret that Maria disagrees with Nick living solely off his pension. Nick doesn’t require her permission to continue his hermit life style, however.

“My leg,” Nick says, like it explains everything.

“Your movement is virtually unhindered,” Maria accuses.

She’s not wrong. Nick’s PT has been reduced somewhat because of his increased mobility. His doctor announced that his knee is fully healed and if he continues PT, it should be back to peak function by the end of the year. Some days there’s only flash of pain and others his leg is so stiff that he curls back into bed. Those days are the hard ones.

“I’m not ready, Maria,” Nick says, mostly because he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do if he’s not a cop.

His precursory job search had come up with zero results.

She gives him a disapproving look. Her patience is wearing thin for Nick wallowing around in his own self-misery. Never would she say it out loud, since Maria has her own understanding of mental health issues. But it doesn’t mean she’s required to be happy with how Nick is choosing to cope with the loss of life.

“Okay,” she says, sighing. “I’ll see you next weekend.”

“I’ll pick Zara up,” Nick says before she can turn away. “So you don’t have to keep driving out here.”

“Will your leg be okay?” she asks. “Traffic can get bad.”

“I’ll live,” he says, giving her a self-deprecating half smile.

Because when Nick Amaro’s life goes to shit, he continues to live in it.

 

(Day 89)

“I was thinking about going to New York next week,” Nick says. “See my friends.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Dr. Schaub says. “Are you really going to be okay seeing everything you left behind? It could aggravate you even further. You had said that thinking about New York sends you into bouts of depression.”

“I know what I said, but I miss my friends. Just talking to them on the phone isn’t good enough,” Nick says firmly. “And their jobs don’t allow them to fly down here on a whim. I’m unemployed so I got all the time in the world.”

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about, Nick! They’ll be working, unchanged, and you’ll be on the sidelines. Can you handle it?”

“We’re done,” Nick says, standing abruptly.

He hides the wince of pain from the sudden movement.

“Nick – “ Dr. Schaub begins but Nick’s out of the office before she can finish.

 

(Day 100)

He doesn’t even have a chance to knock on the door before it’s yanked open and Nick’s bombarded with an armful of toddler. Liv watches in the doorway as Noah clambers up Nick like a tree. All the while, Noah babbling on and on, asking Nick how he is, how long he’s staying, and when he’s coming back.

“He talks now,” Nick says, partly as a question and partly at as a statement.

“Noah talks,” Liv agrees, nodding.

Her smile is so bright it could light up a room. Nick carries Noah into the apartment, focusing on answering the child’s questions. As the answers slip seamlessly from his tongue, Nick realizes that Noah has been speaking to him in Spanish. Being so fluent in the language, the change was natural and fluid and ultimately unnoticed.

“Spanish, huh?” Nick says, setting Noah down on the couch.

The toddler makes a noise of disapproval but is quickly distracted by a toy on the ground. Nick walks back to collect his bags from the entranceway.

“Yeah, despite everything we’ve discovered that Noah has a real knack for languages,” Liv says, smiling proudly at her son.

“Just like his mother,” a voice floats in, just as Nick’s about to ask about the ‘we.’

Barba steps out of the washroom, straightening his suit jacket. It’s a tense second as Nick and Barba make eye contact, but Barba quickly averts back to Liv.

“I should probably get going, thanks for lunch Liv,” he says.

“Anytime,” she tells him, smiling.

Barba is walking through the apartment, collecting his belongings. Nick feels stupid for missing them. His presence is so obvious in Liv’s space.

Arriving at Noah, Barba bends down and whispers something to Noah. Nick doesn’t hear most of it, but catches enough to know Barba is speaking to Noah in Spanish. Noah giggles at whatever is said and Barba grins before standing back up.

He straightens his back and marches to the entranceway, a path blocked by Nick. As he passes by, Barba lifts a hand but pauses briefly. The exchange ends with Barba pressing the heel of his hand against the distal end of Nick’s clavicle. It’s a brief, but intimate exchange. Their eyes meet and Nick feels guilt and jealousy rise up in him all at once.

“It’s good to see you, Nick,” Barba says before exiting the apartment.

Nick’s not sure if he believes Barba. Lawyers have to be good at lying.

And Barba’s the best.

 

(103)

Despite his own apprehensions and his therapist’s warnings, Nick follows Liv down to the precinct. He can’t spend all day cooped up in her apartment taking care of Noah. The purpose of this trip is to see all of his friends. Maybe try to convince himself that New York isn’t as great as he remembers it being.

“Nick!” Fin calls out, catching him first.

Fin has a big smile on his face and holds his arms out for a hug. Nick ducks his head in embarrassment but takes the hug regardless.

“How you doing?” Fin asks, taking a good look at Nick. “The sun treating you good?”

“He wouldn’t know,” Amanda says, stepping into the room. “He keeps all the blinds shut in his apartment.”

Everyone laughs, like it’s a joke. Nick pretends like it isn’t the truth.

He instead focuses on Amanda’s loose fitting shirt – it’s unlike her to hide her body like that.

“Trying to make it more like New York,” that would be Carisi. “I know that feeling, can’t imagine living anywhere else.”

With his goofy smile and gangly limbs, Carisi is like a newly born foal in a pack of wolves. Or at least Nick thought, as Carisi gets a fond smile from both Amanda and Liv.

“Really though,” Fin says because he always eye for the troubled ones. “How are you doing?”

“I’m managing,” Nick says.

“Uh-huh,” Fin says doubtfully. “I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell you, but if you ever need to talk – I’m just a phone call away.”

“Of course,” Nick says.

He’s drawn towards Amanda, who has the Look in her eyes. It something they always share between each other when there needs to be a discussion. A nasty knot settles in his stomach. Maybe he should’ve called her and let her know he was coming? It is probable she feels the same way as Dr. Schaub.

Nick blinks and Amanda is walking away. He hurries to follow after her. She ends up leading him to the bunkroom.

“Shut the door,” she says.

Nick tenses, ready for a fight. That’s how these meetings between them always end. The two of them trying to tear each other’s throats out.

“I didn’t want to tell you in front of the others because I was worried about how you’d react,” she says, tucking her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. “But they already know and I didn’t want to tell you over the phone.”

“Is everything alright?” Nick asks, as he takes an aborted step forward.

He falters because Amanda looks so vulnerable. That expression is something he’s never associated with her before. Amanda is strong and abhors showing weakness.

“I’m pregnant,” she says.

Nick is speechless. There’s no way it’s his. He and Amanda haven’t slept together in months. Not since – no. Nick’s not going to think about that anymore. The guilt coils up again, but he shoves it away in favour of joy for Amanda.

“Wow, that’s – uh – really great news,” Nick says and he reaches forward to pull her into a hug.

“Yeah, took some time to get to that decision myself,” she says, letting out a huff of laughter.

“You’ll be a great mom,” Nick assures her.

No doubt Amanda is thinking about her own parents. Nick felt the same way when Maria announced she was pregnant with Zara.

“The fear will pass,” he tells her.

“I know,” Amanda says. “It just really sucks this kid will miss out on having a great uncle like you.”

“I’ll be around,” Nick says. “I’m here right now, that counts for something.”

She hugs him tighter. Nick doesn’t want to let go either.

 

(Day 105)

“So you and Barba?” Nick works up the courage only as Liv is dropping him off at the airport.

He spent the past five days working through the anger and jealousy he had. Although he hasn’t seen Barba since the faltering interaction in Liv’s apartment, the ADA has been heavily present in his mind. Mostly Barba and not really Liv, since they were together for most of the duration of Nick’s visit.

But Barba and Liv – they’ll be good for each other. They work so well together. Nick’s always been somewhat envious at how easily the two got on. It took him weeks to get Liv to even consider him being a decent fit for SVU. Barba all but waltzed into the precinct and Liv never doubted his conviction or fit.

But Liv laughs, throwing her head backwards.

“God – me and _Barba_?” she says. “Did you hear that Noah? Uncle Nick thinks that Uncle Rafi and I would make a good couple.”

Noah wrinkles his face. Nick can’t help but think there’s a missed memo.

“I’ve dated lawyers before,” Liv begins. “And good lawyers have to be a certain type of person. Let’s just say I’ve never met anyone who took that extreme like Barba does.”

Nick exhales in relief. Liv rolls her eyes.

“If I get into a relationship with Barba, you’ll be the first person I tell,” she promises. “But the world will have to be ending before that happens.”

“I use to say something like that too,” Nick says without thinking.

The two of them freeze. Noah fidgets at their feet.

“What does that mean Nick?” Liv questions.

Nick feels like he’s in an interrogation. They both know the answer, but he doesn’t want to speak it out loud. ‘I need a lawyer’ rings in his ears. Nick knows exactly whom he would call.

“I have to go – my flight,” Nick blurts, looking for an escape.

Liv nods, allowing it. She then pulls him in for a tight hug. Nick immerses himself in her, pressing his nose to her shoulder. With Liv, the abyss isn’t so daunting. The dark, lonely apartment in LA isn’t a challenge to return to.

“Don’t be a stranger,” Liv whispers.

“I’ll do my best,” he says because he’s not ready to make that promise to Liv yet.

And Nick doesn’t break his promises to Liv.

 

(Day 110)

He’s lying awake in his bed when the phone rings. The number is familiar with a code placing it in New York.

It’s 3 am in LA – meaning that it’s 6 am in New York. There’s only one asshole in New York who is awake at such an ungodly hour. Said asshole thrives on morning hours. He also knows that Nick is awake all the way in LA.

The phone rings and rings and rings. Nick stares at the number in his hand, wondering what would happen if he did pick up. Eventually, the call ends and a missed call notification pops up. A minute later, a missed voice mail notice follows after it.

Nick doesn’t listen to it.

But he doesn’t delete it either.

 

(Day 125)

Nick opens up their session with an offhanded comment.

“There’s a voicemail on my phone.”

“Oh?” Dr. Schaub asks. “From who?”

“That’s unimportant,” Nick lies.

He doesn’t want to verbally admit the importance of the person and the relationship. It ended because Nick was unable to cope with his life falling apart around him. On top of that, Nick was unable to accept the fact that he could deserve something as great as the relationship.

“Are you sure?” Dr. Schaub says.

“It’s unimportant,” Nick asserts.

“Right. When did you get the voicemail?”

“15 days ago.”

“And what’s the problem?”

“I haven’t listened to it and I don’t want to. But I can’t delete it either.”

“Are you afraid of what’s going to be said or what it represents?” she asks.

“Shouldn’t you, I don’t know, tell me that?” Nick asks, switching to the offensive.

Dr. Schaub looks pensive as she leans backwards. She always does this when Nick gets aggressive. He’s always worried she’ll suggest more anger management. But Dr. Schaub never does.

“Why don’t I listen to the message?” she offers. “And then I can tell you what I think.”

Nick suddenly feels protective of the message. It’s his. Personal and private. Who knows if the words are hateful or happy? Maybe it’ll match the bland message on his machine from several months ago. Either way, the message is for his own ears only. Whether or not he chooses to listen to the message.

Nick shakes his head. Dr. Schaub smiles like they’ve made a breakthrough.

He walks out of another appointment.

 

(Day 126)

_“I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how things ended between us. It’s useless to be angry since it was all a circumstance of chance. There’s no way either of us could control your kids moving to California or you getting shot. But I’d like to think that it didn’t need to end the way it did. You’re angry Nick, and I understand that. You know I understand anger better than most. But you don’t have to let that get in the way of your happiness._

_“We were good for some time – when we were undefined. But putting a label on it coincided with too much for you. I’m sorry for pressuring you. It was wrong of me to do that. But I wish you hadn’t cut me out the way you did, just left for LA without a word. But as I said, there’s no point in being angry because we – you – couldn’t have predicted the events that occurred._

A pause and a deep breath.

_“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I forgive you, Nick. I know I preached a lot about learning to forgive myself for all the mistakes I’ve made to get where I am. All that is left now is for you to forgive yourself.”_

 

(Day 126 – 2)

Nick gets really drunk. He crawls into bed, knowing he’ll use the excuse of a hangover to stay there for days.

 

(Day 134)

“I don’t know if it’s such a good idea for Zara to be there right now,” Maria says over the phone.

She’s keeping her distance from Nick. A safe distance to watch Nick destroy himself from the inside out and not get caught in anything.

“Come on Maria, let me at least spend the day with her. You can supervise,” Nick bargains.

“Clean yourself up first, Nick,” Maria says. “Get a job, get out of your apartment. Don’t let Zara see you like this because you know it’s all she’ll associate with you for the rest of your life.”

Nick sighs and leans against his bedroom wall.

“I hate it when you’re right,” he mutters.

“In this case, I do too,” she says softly. “Please take care of yourself Nick. You’re always taking care of others – I don’t know what made you hate yourself so much. But please find self forgiveness.”

Maria hangs up after that. Nick stumbles back into his bed and wraps himself in the covers.

Why does he hate himself so much?

 

(Day 140)

_Reasons Nick Amaro Hates Himself:_

  1. _His inability to get out his bed consistently_
  2. _Can’t even shower every day_
  3. _Managed to get shot on the job and lose said job even though he could’ve taken a few month leave of PT and come back just fine. His leg is at almost 100% perfect mobility these days._
  4. _Didn’t fight hard enough for Zara, Gil, Maria, Cynthia_
  5. _Ruined a perfectly good relationship by being unable to disclose what type of relationship he believed it to be_
  6. _Is so afraid of becoming his father that it hinders proper relationships with people_



 

“This is a good list,” Dr. Schaub says. “Maybe we can cross a few off?”

“Like find a source?” Nick asks.

“Something like that. For example, 1 and 2 are symptoms of depression. You said earlier that if you knew Maria had been diagnosed with PTSD, things would have been different.”

“Yes, but I – ”

“Well if you can offer Maria the same leeway, why can’t you offer it to yourself? You haven’t missed a session of therapy or PT in several months. Count the battles you win, Nick. Not the ones you lose.”

 

(Day 161)

He opens the curtains for the first time since moving in. The sun is so warm on skin. And the light makes it impossible to stay in bed too long. Life gets a little bit easier.

 

(Day 174)

“Hey Nick, wish I could’ve caught you at home,” Liv’s voice greets him, bright and unwavering. “I just wanted to let you know that Noah’s having a birthday in a few weeks. We’d love if you could come out – maybe bring Zara and Gil with you. I know it might be difficult to arrange a trip up here, so the party isn’t for a couple of weeks. Let me know.”

This time, Nick knows he’s not ready to go back to New York. He has thought about that life every day since the last trip. He also thinks about the voicemail that goes undeleted on his phone. Sometimes he listens to it and tries to understand what the caller is playing at.

But he can’t miss Noah’s birthday. He can’t let the kid down. Nick can’t add Noah and Liv to the list of people he didn’t fight hard enough for.

 

(Day 188)

Amanda is waiting for him in the airport. Her belly is swollen, far past hiding now. But she’s happy and smiling. She even made a sign that says ‘Welcome Home Nick!’ He doesn’t say anything about the implications of it. No doubt Amanda didn’t mean any harm.

But his steps still quicken and he drops his bag before pulling her into a hug.

“Hey,” she says, gripping him tightly.

“I missed you,” he tells her.

She nods into his shoulder and then pushes him away to greet Zara and Gil. The two of them collected their father’s dropped bags before joining them.

“Hey guys!” Amanda greets, smiling at them. “Look at how big you’ve gotten!”

Zara is more taken with Amanda than Gil is, having known her longer. But Gil is a good kid and politely allows Amanda to practice working with kids on him.

“Look who it is!” Carisi announces, swaggering up.

He has a tray of three coffees in one hand and a bag of some sort of Italian baking in the other.

“My mom made these for the kids,” Carisi says, handing the bag to Nick to check over.

“You told your mom about this?” Amanda asks in disbelief.

“I tell my mom everything,” Carisi replies, confused that Amanda would even ask the question.

Then he thrusts the tray between the three adults. Nick passes the bag of baking to Zara and Gil who promptly tear into it. Neither of them like airplane food that much and can be notoriously picky eaters. It’s a trait Nick knows they got from him.

“Coffee just the way we like it,” Carisi announces and then claps his free hand on Nick’s shoulder. “Don’t worry Amaro, I got your order right here.”

Carisi removes the hand to tap his index finger on his head. Nick chuckles and thanks him for the coffee. When he takes a sip, he realizes that Carisi does indeed have his order memorized.

“What’s the plan?” Nick asks. “No cases this week?”

“We’re letting the rookies handle it,” Carisi says.

Nick is shocked at the confidence in Carisi's words. The last thing Nick heard, Carisi _was_ the newbie.

“Not so fast, cowboy,” Amanda says, rolling her head to look at Carisi and then back to Nick. “He just got to lead an investigation and is getting a little ahead of himself.”

Nick laughs. It’s mostly relief. Okay so Carisi is still considered to be green. It took Nick over a year before Liv trusted a former narcotics detective to work alone.

“There’s nothing major,” Amanda says. “They can survive without the senior detectives for a few days.”

Amanda continues to talk as she leads them to Carisi’s car. He had the biggest vehicle to transport Nick, his kids, and their luggage. Amanda’s tiny Corolla has no room for them all. She says this apologetically, trying to explain Carisi’s presence. But Nick recognizes the fondness she has for Carisi. As a man from a large Italian family, Carisi butts in, it didn’t even cross his mind to get a small car. Nick laughs as Amanda explains that isn’t what they were talking about.

Carisi also insists that he be the one to carry the bags. Amanda whispers that he has a complex about being useful. Fortunately for her, Carisi doesn’t catch the quip instead chatting to Gil and Zara about his mother’s zeppole.

“I changed apartments,” Amanda says. “It’s bigger and safer for children now.”

Nick doesn’t say he would have preferred to stay with Liv. But it’s unspoken between them. Liv’s apartment is so inviting and full of life. When Amanda first offered, Nick only remembered the tiny apartment: cold, empty, and solely as a place to sleep. The new description, although brief, sounds far better than what Nick has been imagining.

“It’ll be perfect,” Nick says because Amanda is still offering her place to him. “Thank you.”

 

(Day 189)

The next day, Carisi arrives at Amanda’s apartment bright and early. Once again he has a bag of Italian baking and a tray of coffees. Nick has forgotten how much of a morning person Carisi can be. Maybe he should’ve taken into account the name ‘Sonny.’

Nick finds it endlessly amusing how comfortable Carisi is in Amanda’s apartment and how easily he welcomed himself in. If he didn’t know any better, he'd think Carisi might have a crush on Amanda. She glares at him when Nick laughs to himself, like she knows his thoughts.

“We don’t have to be at Liv’s until after noon,” Amanda says groggily.

“Yeah but I thought I’d bring breakfast, no way Rollins here has enough food to feed all four of you,” Carisi laughs.

Amanda scowls at him. Nick side eyes an ajar cupboard. There are a few boxes of instant ramen inside.

“I’m in charge of making sure Rollins eats enough,” Carisi tells Nick.

“Fin put him up to it,” Amanda mutters, sitting down at the table.

Nick laughs because they all know Carisi was way too willing for this job. Even if Fin put him up to it. He then goes to wake Zara and Gil from the spare bedroom. They had argued a bit over sharing the room, but ultimately were too tired when it came down to it. Zara took the bed while Gil got a mattress on the floor. Gil hadn't argued, excited about the air mattress. Nick doesn’t really understand why.

“Zara! Gil! Breakfast,” Nick says, opening the door.

Zara tears out of the room, fully dressed. She calls outs happily when she sees Carisi. Nick will have to apologize to Amanda for this later. Gil sits up from the mattress, blinking at him. Nick chuckles, Gil’s on the cusp of being a teenager. Sleeping in later is his new thing. Cynthia had warned him when she dropped Gil off.

“Don’t sleep in too long,” Nick tells him, shutting the door.

Back in the kitchen, Zara and Carisi are chatting pleasantly with each other. They’re like a matched set. Amanda is hunched over her coffee, trying to zone them out. Nick smiles at the domestic scene in front of him.

This.

This is what he has been missing living in LA.

 

(Day 189-2)

Liv’s apartment is chaos.

Kids from Noah’s play school are all over the place, all at varying developmental levels of movement and speech. But in general, all the children are loud and refuse to remain still. Zara and Gil are the oldest but are taking great joy in leading the pack of kids. It reminds Nick of his own childhood, an odd mix of English and Spanish being shouted out amongst the kids.

It warms his heart for Zara to be so actively speaking Spanish. Especially since she treats it like a secret code between herself, Gil, and Nick. Maria isn’t as fluent as Nick nor does she slip into it as easily. While Maria and Zara were in DC, Nick constantly worried about Zara not learning Spanish like Nick did. With her relationship with Gil, Nick doesn’t have the worry anymore.

“Still looking forward to motherhood?” Nick teases Amanda as she watches the kids run around in horror.

“None of these are my children,” she replies smartly.

Nick laughs.

“You’re certainly more accepting of a child when they’re your own,” he tells her.

Amanda touches her swollen belly and smiles.

“They’ll be perfect,” she tells him. “Regardless of all this.”

She gestures at the yelling children and their parents who are completely at peace with the noise.

“Rollins!” Carisi calls for her, gesturing to something in Liv’s apartment.

“Oh but I forgot you already have a child,” Nick says, laughing. “Go indulge him, Amanda. I know you want to.”

Amanda gives him a venomous look before walking over to Carisi. He begins to animatedly ask about a photograph of the SVU squad from a few years ago. Nick smiles at the display and turns to see if there’s anyone else he can have a discussion with.

The only person he sees unattached to another person is Barba. The ADA looks mildly uncomfortable with the amount of children and is probably only here as a favour to Liv. Nick doesn’t really want to talk to him, but Barba looks like he could use an ally.

“Are all kids parties like this?” Barba asks, as Nick approaches.

Nick likes this. ‘Let’s pretend everything is okay between us.’

“Unfortunately,” Nick says.

“Well that confirms I’m never having any children.”

“Rollins is,” Nick tells him. “And I’ve heard her swear up and down that she’s never having kids.”

“Well I also don’t have the ability to get pregnant,” Barba adds. “The actual reality of a pregnancy seems to be a bit different than just the statement.”

“Fair point,” Nick agrees.

“Of course it is,” Barba says and he gives Nick a sharp smile.

It’s predatory and meant to make Nick uncomfortable. Then Barba pretends it never happened by looking at his watch. He seems surprised by the time.

“Well it was nice seeing you again,” Barba says and the lie is so poor that Nick is almost embarrassed for him. “But I have to get back to the office.”

Nick bobs his head, not trusting himself to speak. Barba slips through the crowd, finding Liv and Noah. He says his goodbyes and makes his way to the front door. Before leaving he turns to look at Nick one last time. He nods and then leaves.

Nick feels cold.  

 

(Day 190)

The plane ride from New York is unnaturally difficult. Gil and Zara are stubborn and fidgety. The two of them are constantly complaining about the length of the flight and how hungry they are. It’s only because Nick is lost in his own head that he doesn’t lose it with them. If he screamed at his kids in public, Maria and Cynthia would never let him see them again.

Though he’s not completely ignorant of them. Nick’s heavy thoughts are primarily focused on the wellbeing of his children.

They’re both growing up so fast and even in LA, he’s missing all their big moments. What difference did it make if he was in New York or LA? The kids are still far away and every time he sees them, there’s another milestone he has missed.

The same stands for New York. He’s missed too much and the trips don’t even begin to cover the stories his friends have. Everything is changing. Rollins is pregnant and Liv is a mom and Carisi is part of their niche group. It’s like Nick doesn’t even know these people anymore.

Landing at LAX and seeing the bright sun nearly sends Nick over the edge. His heart was foolishly hoping for the grey skies of New York.

“Dad?” Zara asks, tugging at his hand. “Is everything alright?”

She sounds worried. Gil is watching him with a look of concern as well. When this gets back to their mothers, Nick is going to get it hard. Then Nick realizes that he has started to cry.

Reaching to touch his face, Nick wipes away the tears. He just hates it so much here, but he can’t tell his children that. They live here and he came here for them. Announcing how much he hates LA would ruin everything.

“It’s fine,” Nick says. “We should find your mom Gil, it’s a long trip back to San Diego.”

“We know you miss New York,” Gil says. “It’s okay.”

“We miss New York too!” Zara says and she tightens her grip on Nick’s hand. “Mom says that you need to move on, but I think it’s okay to be sad. Especially since all your friends are in New York. I miss my friends too.”

Nick gives his daughter a weak smile. Have he and Maria always been this transparent? Or did they raise an exceptionally perceptive daughter?

Exhaling, Nick kneels down and pulls both Gil and Zara into a hug. One arm around each of them.

“How did I get such good children?”

“You deserve it,” Gil tells him.

Nick believes him.

 

(Day 223)

Nick’s been looking for a job. The thing is, he’s not really sure what he wants to do. Ever since he was a little kid, he wanted to be a cop. Now that he’s ended that life – there’s not much in the world that he really wants to do. Maybe he should go with the lie he and Rollins made up.

The Park Police won’t be that bad.

 

(Day 240)

There’s a posted opening for the Park Police. Nick gets his papers together and submits them.

He smiles as he does so because for the first time in almost a year, he’s looking forward and not looking backwards.

 

(Day 255)

Amanda’s water broke. Nick jumps on the first flight to New York, missing his appointment with Dr. Schaub. He ignores her calls, knowing what she’ll say to him.

“I’m here,” he says, breathless as he arrives in the hospital waiting room.

He feels like he just ran straight from LA to New York. With his heaving chest and the sweat of being confined to a metal tube for several hours making his shirt damp. The five-hour flight had been so unbearable that Nick had been offered Xanax by several other passengers. Now at the hospital, he thinks that maybe he should’ve taken them up on their offers.

“She’s still in labour,” Fin says. “Take a seat.”

Nick collapses in the chair beside fin.

“Where’s Carisi?” he asks, looking around for the too tall detective.

No doubt Carisi would be jumping out of his skin with excitement. Nick saw how excited Carisi was about Amanda’s pregnancy.

“Sent him out to get coffee, I couldn’t stand him pacing around here,” Fin says.

“And Liv?” Nick asks.

“Went to go relieve her sitter of Noah. She’ll be back soon,” Fin says.

Nick exhales and tilts his head backwards. It bangs against the wall with a light ‘thud.’

“Worst flight of my life,” Nick mutters. “I should’ve been here.”

“You can’t blame yourself for living across the country,” Fin says. “Your family is there and you should be with them.”

“Are they really though?” Nick asks and maybe he should’ve gone to his appointment today. “I talk with Liv on the phone nearly every day. There’s not a moment I leave my phone behind in case I miss a message from you or Amanda. Hell, I can’t even stand missing messages from Carisi and all he does is try to keep me caught up on celebrity gossip!”

Fin nods.

“I still only see Zara once a week and Gil even less since he has to come down from San Diego. It’s no different from when I lived in New York,” Nick says. “I’m just missing more of you guys.”

“Well that’s a choice you have to make,” Fin tells him. “Be apart from your family in California, or your family in New York. No ones is going to fault you for the decision you make.”

Nick nods because he knows that it’s true. Zara and Gil have given him their blessings to move away. They’ve even spoken at length how exciting it would be to travel up to New York to see Nick. Maria might be upset about it, but she would come around.

“Nick!” Liv greets, arriving in the waiting room.

She’s breathless upon her entrance as well. But she’s smiling.

“Uncle Nick!” Noah calls, running from her feet and into Nick’s lap.

“Hey,” he says smiling at her.

“That was fast,” she says.

“I caught the first flight I could,” Nick says. “Wasn’t cheap, but I needed to be there.”

“I’ll compensate,” Liv says. “You didn’t need to drop your life to get here.”

Nick protests. Mostly because he has no life to drop in LA.

“I can’t take your money, Liv,” Nick says. “I wanted to come. Otherwise I wouldn’t have spent my money. It was worth it.”

“Okay,” she says quietly, taking a seat next to him. “I believe you.”

 

(Day 256)

“Meet Jesse,” Amanda says presenting the baby.

“Wow,” Nick says.

“Hi there Jesse,” Liv says softly. “Welcome to the world.”

“Thank you for being here,” Amanda then says. “I appreciate you all being here for me.”

“We’re a family,” Fin says, reaching out and taking her hand. “We’re always going to be there for each other when it counts.”

Fin looks at Nick out of the corner of his eye. Nick gets the message.

But his phone chooses to ring at the moment. He pulls it out and recognizes the number as the Park Police.

“I need to take this,” he says, holding the phone up as if to prove its importance.

“It’s alright, Nick,” Amanda says. “You’ve done enough just by being here.”

Nick gives her a smile before stepping out into the hall. He presses ‘Talk.’ He feels giddy.

“Nick Amaro?” a woman’s voice says.

“Speaking.”

“I just wanted to discuss with you your application,” she says, monotone and not giving anything away on the nature of the call.

Nick’s stomach flips.

“Alright.”

“We noticed that you have a note on your criminal record – that you assaulted an unarmed civilian while off duty for the NYPD,” she says. “And that you were held in prison until your bail was posted.”

“The charges were dropped,” Nick says, throat dry. “And I went to anger management.”

“Still, this occurrence plus the other minor notes on your record are enough to disqualify you. I’m sorry but your application has been rejected.”

Nick doesn’t here the rest of her speech. His phone drops to the floor and he backs against the wall, sinking to the ground as well.

That’s it; he has nothing else he can do. He put all of his hope into the application. Nearly a year of work getting better and it all to ends up in failure. Looks like Nick really is meant for nothing but bad things.

“Nick?” Barba appears out of nowhere, kneeling in front of Nick.

He’s still dressed to the nines, must have just gotten off of work. Nick manages to pull Barba into focus. The ADA is offering him his phone. The call is still going.

Nick takes it, thanking him mutely. He presses the ‘End Call’ button and stuffs it back into his jacket pocket.

“Is everything alright?” Barba asks, ready to have a heart to heart on the maternity ward’s floor.

“My application to the Park Police got rejected,” Nick says and the world is spinning out of control. “It was my last chance – and I –”

He can’t breath.

“Hey, hey!” Barba says, pressing his hand into Nick’s shoulder. “Look at me.”

Nick focuses his gaze on Barba’s eyes. Barba’s fingers dig through the fabric of Nick’s coat. The pain grounds Nick, synching him with Barba. Nick reaches up with shaking hands and grabs Barba’s wrist, holding the hand on Nick’s shoulder in place.

“Breath with me,” Barba commands.

He uses his free hand to mimic the act of taking deep breaths in and out. Nick tries to follow the instruction, but every couple of breathes is punctuated by dry sob. He feels pathetic on the floor with Barba coaching him to breath.

It takes far too long for him to come down. His legs are shaking and his arms feel detached from his body. There are cotton balls in his mouth. Nick hates the feeling.

“It’s going to be okay,” Barba tells him.

Nick nods, attempting to find truth in the words. Right now it just feels like his last chance slipped away.

“We should go in,” Barba tells him. “Unless you want the others to come out here.”

Nick shakes his head. The last thing he wants is all of his friends to crowd him in worry. Nick takes his free hand and wipes his face down with his sleeve. Barba backs up and stands. He offers a hand to Nick, who takes it. Barba presses his hand to Nick’s shoulder once again, giving it a brief squeeze. When he pulls away, Nick feels an absence.

He should apologize.

“I’m sorry,” Nick blurts.

Barba gives him a puzzled look.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Barba tells him. “It’s not your fault. Anxiety attack are more common –”

“For the other stuff,” Nick says, stopping Barba before he lists every fact on anxiety and depression.

“I told you, it’s forgiven,” Barba says.

Nick gives a short nod and the two of them re-enter the room. Noah is seated on the edge of the bed, very gently examining Jesse. The four adults are captivated by the scene, but they all turn to greet Barba and Nick.

“Is everything alright?” Liv asks, looking over Nick’s face.

Her gaze bounces from Nick to Barba and back to Nick.

“I just got some bad news about a job is all,” Nick says, trying to sound casual.

“I’m so sorry, Nick,” Amanda says.

Nick shakes his head and puts on a smile.

“It’s not about me, today is about you,” Nick says and then gestures to the newborn, “and Jesse.”

 

(Day 260)

Nick returns to LA after spending far too long in New York. Liv lets him live off of her couch for a few days. It’s an excellent exchange since he looks after Noah for free while she’s at work. Liv would let him stay for as long as he wants on the couch, but Nick likes to feel useful.

No one is there to pick him up at the airport. No one even knew he had been in New York. He takes a cab back to his apartment and collapses into bed. He’s exhausted, though he has no good reason to be. Maybe he should get a gym membership. That will help him get out of the apartment.

His phone rings the moment he hits the bed. This should be expected considering the time he spent loitering around in New York.

His time was split between helping Amanda and watching Noah, but that also put him on a predictable trajectory. Every so often, his path would cross with Barba who’d, without fail, ask how Nick is holding up. The answers varied from grunts to full sentences. The encounters were never long.

Nick’s been avoiding his calls for too long. Barba’s voicemail is still undeleted on his phone. How pathetic is that? But their relationship had failed because of Nick’s unwillingness to let go of things. Regardless of their feelings for each other. Then and now.

Nick picks up the phone.

“I was starting to think that you pretended I didn’t exist while you’re in LA,” Barba quips.

He’s hiding his tone. Nick doesn’t know what to make of it.

“I was,” Nick confesses.

“Was it any easier?” Barba asks.

He sounds curious.

“No,” Nick admits. “It felt like hell.”

Barba is quiet for a beat. Nick foolishly believes that he was able to finally able to render Barba speechless.

“I worry about you, Nick,” Barba says. “And these past few days only justify my worry.”

“There’s not much you can do from New York,” Nick says.

“You’re right. But I can still help you,” Barba says.

“How?”

“Repair our relationship. At least make a friendship,” Barba says.

“We never were friends,” Nick grits out. “We were always at odds with each other.”

“It never hurts to try,” Barba says, voice rising. “We’re never going to get over this if we just keep pretending like nothing happened.”

“I was an idiot and you wanted more. There’s not much to it,” Nick says bitterly.

“But there is! I saw that you were afraid and yet I pushed you until you left. That may be simple,” Barba argues, “but before you left for LA, the last time I _really_ saw you, my hands were covered in your blood. In that moment, I realized that I was so stupid to just let you go. I tried to fix things but you ignored my calls and then came back like nothing happened.”

Barba pauses, taking a deep breath.

“I was willing to make it work, Nick,” Barba says. “I still am.”

Nick is suddenly mad at Barba for being so understanding. Why can’t he see that Nick is damaged goods and not worth it? Nick can cope with anger and aggression. He’s good at sparring with people verbally. Compassion and understanding scare him because Nick doesn’t understand how to manage it.

“How can we make it work?” Nick demands. “We live on opposite ends of the country. You don’t get it, Rafael!”

Barba is about to add something else, but Nick hangs up the phone and throws it across the room. It lands in the closet. He remembers the second picture. His only anger increases.

Scrambling off his bed, Nick tears through his closet with a reckless abandon. The box has become buried underneath clothes and a small collection of belongings. He tears the cardboard top off and grabs the picture, still face down.

He tosses it across the room. It hits the wall, leaving a dent. The glass shatters when it hits the floor.

Nick shouts out wordlessly, shoving the box back into the closet.

The tiredness returns once again. He shuffles over to the windows and pulls the blinds shut.

Crawling back into bed, Nick feels an utter sadness come over him.

 

(Day 265)

An urgent knocking wakes Nick.

“Nick! Nick Amaro!” Maria shouts.

She’s pissed off. Nick rolls over to check his phone but it’s not there. Then he remembers that he threw it in the closet a few days ago. That won’t go well.

How long has he been lying in bed for? Nick pushes himself upwards and swings his legs off the side of the bed. His feet narrowly miss the shattered glass on the floor. The photo is still face down, taunting him.

Brushing some of the glass away, Nick makes a clear path for himself. Maria is still banging at his door, only becoming more aggressive as time passes. Shuffling through the apartment, Nick sees that it’s 2 in the afternoon.

When he finally reaches the door and pulls it open, Maria freezes mid knock. She looks furious.

“Where have you been?” she demands marching into his apartment. “I’ve been calling you for days!”

“Phone’s dead,” Nick says shrugging.

He doesn’t have the energy to fight with Maria right now.

“You’ve been home this whole time,” Maria accuses, putting her hands on her hips.

“I went to New York. Amanda had her baby,” Nick says.

“You went to New York,” she says in disbelief.

“Yeah, Amanda had her baby,” Nick repeats.

“Why didn’t you tell me you went to New York? I tried to drop Zara off and you weren’t here!” Maria shouts.

“I left in a hurry,” Nick says. “I’m sorry.”

Maria turns around and paces forward. Then she stops.

“What’s that?” she says.

Nick sees the shattered glass of the picture on the floor is in full view from his bedroom.

“Jesus Nick!” she says. “How long has that been there?”

“A few days,” Nick replies.

“You could hurt yourself! And you have no insurance! Do you have an idea how much it would cost for you to get stitches?” Maria goes on.

She starts moving towards the bedroom to clean it up. Nick makes an attempt to stop her, but Maria will have none of it.

“What if I had Zara here?” she continues.

Nick follows helplessly behind and watches as she starts to clean up the glass. It’s only when Maria goes for the picture does Nick really protest.

“I’ll get that – there’s no need –”

But Maria is already staring at the photo. Nick freezes when he gets a glimpse of it too.

It’s Nick and Barba over a year ago. It had been raining that day, ruining their reservations for a local restaurant’s patio. Regardless of the rain, they would have missed the reservation. The two of them had gotten tied up in a case at SVU anyways. Upon getting out of Nick’s car at Barba’s apartment, they both realized how ridiculous they looked. Nick felt the need to document the moment.

They’re both wearing NYPD rain jackets since the rain had been part of some freak weather system. Barba has his hood up but the jacket isn’t zippered all the way, revealing this horrible lime green shirt he had. Nick used the rain as an excuse to get rid of it. On the other hand, Nick doesn’t have his hood on at all. The rain has plastered his dark hair to scalp.

( _“Come on, Rafael!” Nick says. “Enjoy the rain.”_

_“And ruin my five hundred dollar blazer? No thank you,” Rafael replies politely._

_Nick laughs and tilts his head up to feel the rain on his skin. It feels so nice after being cooped up in an interrogation room with a suspect all day._

_“You’re ridiculous,” Rafael laughs._

_Nick looks at him and grins._

_“Says the man in the NYPD jacket two sizes too big,” Nick teases._

_Rafael rolls his eyes._

_“Let’s take a picture,” Nick says, reaching for his phone._

_“Why?” Rafael asks._

_“Because I want to be able to look at this picture when I’m sad and remember how happy I was,” Nick explains._

_He walks up to Rafael and presses their shoulders together. Holding out his arm, he snaps the picture quickly and then pulls his arm in to get a better look._

_“You’re not smiling,” Nick says._

_Indeed Rafael is staring straight at the camera – mouth a straight line. But Nick can see the amusement in his eyes._

_“I’m a lawyer Nick,” Rafael says. “I’m not made for torrential downpours. Now let’s get inside.”_

_Nick laughs again and shoves the phone into his pocket. He’s going to have to get this one printed out and framed.)_

“Who’s this?” Maria asks softly.

“Rafael,” Nick replies, uneasy.

“It’s a nice picture,” she comments and then holds it out for Nick.

He takes it carefully and stares at it. Nick hasn’t actually looked at the photograph since he packed it away. When putting it in the box, he barely even glanced at it. Before that, it had been face down on his dresser following the night where Rafael and Nick ended their relationship.

He remembers the reason why he took it and smiles. Then he starts to cry.

“Oh Nick,” Maria says.

She stands up and embraces him, gently guiding him to the bed.

They stay like until Nick falls asleep.

 

(Day 266)

Nick wakes up alone. The apartment is silent. He sits up and looks around. Maria is gone but her presence is not. The glass on the floor is cleaned up and the blinds are open slightly. Just enough light to wake Nick up in the morning. His phone is plugged in on the bedside table, right next to the picture of Liv and Noah. And tucked into the frame is the photo of Nick and Rafael.

The edges are bent but it’s undamaged.

Sitting up in bed, Nick looks around and exhales deeply.

It’s time to do something different.

 

(Day 289)

“I took the pictures out of my closet,” Nick says.

“Very good,” Dr. Schaub says, congratulating him. “What did you do with them?”

“Hung them up. I think it’s time I made my apartment more of a home and less of a dungeon.”

Dr. Schaub nods.

“What brought this on?” she asks.

Nick shuffles around and brings the picture of him and Rafael out of his back pocket. It’s a little crumpled but he wants to keep it on his person. It has a grounding effect, reminding him that happiness is possible. He shows it to her.

“I had an argument, I think, with the other person in this photo a few weeks ago. In my anger I tore the picture out of the box and threw the frame. Since then I hadn’t really looked at the picture. But when I did, I remembered that this picture was meant to be make me happy. And it does because it was a good time of my life, even when everything was going wrong.”

“What do mean wrong?”

“Maria had announced that she was taking Zara to LA and I was under investigation, just out on bail. Yet I managed to be happy. I was happy even though my life was falling apart.”

Nick makes a noise of frustration.

“And yet you’re unhappy now even though your life has seemingly fallen apart,” Dr. Schaub finishes for him.

Nick nods.

“Maybe it had something to do with the people in your life,” Dr. Schaub says. “Here, you are without the man in this picture and you often talk about your friends in New York.”

Nick nods.

“But my kids are here,” Nick says. “I can’t just leave them.”

The therapist nods.

“That’s something you have to figure out on your own. Your own happiness and health versus being geographically close to your children. Though remember that your children aren’t meant to satisfy your social needs,” she says unhelpfully as if this hasn’t been Nick’s dilemma for the better part of year. “Now you mentioned you weren’t sure that the argument you had with the man in the picture was an argument. Why’s that?”

“Because I hung up.” Nick says. “I just got angry even though he was understanding of everything. It’s a pattern I’ve noticed.”

“Go on.”

“I get mad at people and walk out. Then I think in my head we had an argument.”

Dr. Schaub nods.

“Just like when we ended things – the man in the picture and I. He asked me what I thought of our relationship – he had pushing it for some time but I kept ignoring it. But he was fed up and asked me. I couldn’t give an answer so I got angry and just left. It was unspoken that our relationship ended at that point. A few days later, I was shot.”

“So no closure.”

Nick nods in agreement.

 

(Day 293)

“Nick, we need to talk,” Maria says as she’s picking up Zara.

“Oh?”

“I know I shouldn’t have waited this long to tell you, but when I came to tell you there was the whole thing with the picture and –“ Maria rambles.

“Maria, tell me,” Nick says.

“My job wants me back in DC,” she says.

“Same one as here, just at the Pentagon. I’ll have better pay and Zara will have her friends back.”

“What,” Nick says. “You’re leaving? I move out to LA and now you're leaving?”

“Look, Nick, I’m really sorry but Gilberto is still here,” Maria says.

“He lives in San Diego!” Nick says. “I see him once a month, twice if I’m lucky!”

Maria gives him a sad look.

“When are you leaving?”

“A few days. I meant to tell you earlier.”

“I need to think,” Nick says, turning into the apartment.

He slams the door in Maria’s face with no regrets.

 

(Day 301)

“I think you should move back to New York,” Gil says.

Nick drove up to San Diego to spend the weekend with Gil. He even got a hotel room so he could stay awhile and not bother Cynthia.

“I’ll be okay here,” Gil says. “I know now that just because we’re apart doesn’t mean I won’t see you again. I can visit you and you can visit me.”

“But I’ve already missed like 10 years of your life,” Nick says.

“That’s exactly the point though. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that I have a dad and you’re so active in my life. But I’m okay without your constant presence. Zara needs you in her life far more.”

“Don’t say that Gil,” Nick says.

“It’s the truth and I’m not going to hold it against you when I’m 30 years old,” Gil says. “I mean we can still Skype and stuff, it’s not like the 1800s where we have to write letters and I’ll get dysentery traveling to New York.”

“Okay,” Nick says, ruffling Gil’s hair. “I get your point.”

“So you’re moving to New York? Cause if you live out there then I can see my friends again,” Gil says.

“Not so fast,” Nick says. “There are a few things to figure out first.”

 

(Day 302)

Cynthia gives him her blessing to return to New York.

 

(Day 306)

“I’m moving back to New York,” is a common phrase on Nick’s tongue these days. After the decision is made, it’s easy to move forward. The plans come together like they just waiting for Nick.

Dr. Schaub wishes him luck and offers to refer him to someone in New York. She’s worried that he’ll learn a place isn’t going to magically fix him. Nick declines, telling her that he’s been better for a while now. Just stuck and not going anywhere. He has ideas of what he could do in New York to prevent him from becoming stagnant.

Liv and Amanda are thrilled to hear that he’s coming back. Nick believes that they are conspiring together to have him babysit for them. Since they’re both workaholics but notoriously protective, they’ll want someone they want someone they trust to watch they’re children as they work. He’ll take care of the kids, at first. Once his plans start to mobilize, he won’t have any free time either.

Nick isn’t sure if he should tell Barba at first. But knows telling him is the right thing to do. No one deserves to be ambushed. When Nick calls, Barba does go quiet – thinking over his words. Barba doesn’t sound surprised and offers Nick support in his choices. The speech is carefully worded as to not upset Nick. They don’t talk about the last argument and Nick considers this as his olive branch.

Maria is slightly less impressed with his decision and tells him to think about remaining in LA. Considering his track record, maybe it’s too soon for him. That’s her suggestion, which Nick respectfully disagrees with.

“It’s been a process, Maria,” he says. “And this is just the next step. Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t.”

 

(Day 310)

Standing in the doorway, Nick looks at the apartment that wasn’t quite his home. It’s an odd sort of limbo. Almost a home, but not full enough and not in the right place. Empty, it doesn’t look much different than from when Nick lived it. Strange how the apartment looks pristine and untouched, despite the numerous hours Nick spent cooped up inside.

He still doesn’t have a lot of belongings, though he has more furniture than before. He has a different bed and comfortable couch but the same table and appliances. Like everyone, his belongings are a collection of remnants from different lives. Nick’s entire life can fit into a small mover’s van. It’s no different than when Nick came to LA. This time, he’s far less broken up about it.

Before leaving, he makes his way to the main bedroom. The blinds are closed.

“It looks much better with them open,” he says aloud.

Nick takes the time to open each one. The room is flooded with light, striking Nick with the beauty of the room. Someone else will make a home here. But it’s not right for him.

He walks out, leaving the apartment and all of the negativity associated with it behind.

 

(Day 313)

Nick’s car pulls up in familiar neighbourhood. It’s not the same apartment block that he once lived in but it’s in the same area. The familiarity is welcoming. The movers aren’t due for a couple more hours, so Nick busies himself with bringing the few personal belongings he brought in the car.

It’s two bedroom, one for Nick and one for the kids, with a full kitchen and a single bathroom. It’s not unlike the LA apartment except that the main bedroom is lacking full glass windows. The main bedroom here has a smaller, higher window with no blinds. It only looks onto another brick building anyway.

He spends the rest of the afternoon quietly unpacking. It doesn’t take much for him to unpack and by nightfall he’s living a full operational apartment.

At the end of the day Nick gets into bed knowing that he’ll be able to get out of it in the morning.

 

(Day 347)

“Nick!” Liv says, surprised at Nick’s sudden arrival at SVU. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I need to talk to you,” Nick says. “In private.”

She nods.

“Is my office alright?”

Nick leads the way to her office and sits down in one of the chairs. Liv trails behind, shutting the door behind her. No doubt she’s sharing glances with the other members of SVU. Nick knows how close everyone is here and what it means when someone asks to speak with Liv in her office.

She takes a seat on the other side of the desk. There’s a shiny plaque that says ‘Lieutenant Olivia Benson’ on it. When she was a sergeant, Liv hadn’t gotten that honour. After Nick left, Liv finally got the recognition she deserves.

Nick’s heart surges with pride – he heard about the news but wasn’t actually here to see the physical proof. Liv is the heart and soul of SVU and a fantastic leader. Nick’s happy to have played a part in getting her to where she is.

“Is there any reason this had to be done here?” Liv asks.

She’s not mad, just curious.

“It’s work related,” he explains.

“Alright.”

Liv straightens her back and clasps her hands in front of her, placing them on the desk. Nick’s mouth quirks upward. Here comes Lieutenant Benson.

“I’ve been talking to IAB and 1PP a lot these past few weeks,” Nick says. “Talking about returning to the force. Not active duty at first, probably a desk position and I’ll be on probation. I think they’re worried I’m rusty but the way I look at it, I was just undercover for a year.”

“That’s great news!” Liv says, smiling at him. “Though I’m confused as to why you want to return. I thought your decision to retire was because you couldn’t move up the ranks.”

“Well I talked to 1PP about that and they said, if I have no incidents for awhile, they’ll re-evaluate,” Nick says. “Maybe I should’ve talked to them instead of diving off the deep end with it. Back then, I was fresh off of the assault and the shooting. In time, it will cool down and I can prove myself to be a good detective.”

“You’ve had some time to think from your time in LA,” Liv says, smiling.

Nick nods.

“Here’s the thing,” he says. “They’ll restore my position back with SVU, but only if that’s okay with you.”

Liv grins at him.

“Is that question you’re really asking?” she says.

“Legally I’m required.”

“Guess I’m going to need a regular sitter again, huh?” she says.

Nick shrugs.

“Better break the news to Amanda too.”

Liv stands up and offers him her hand. He takes and they shake over the desk.

“Welcome back to SVU Detective Amaro,” she says.

“Thank you, Lieutenant Benson.”

 

(Day 365)

There’s a banner and a cake when Nick walks back into precinct as a Detective.

WELCOME BACK NICK is in big bold letters across the front of Liv’s office. There’s a cake on his old desk – his once again.

“Isn’t it a little early for cake?” Nick says.

“I told you we should’ve waited with the cake,” Amanda says to Carisi, who shrugs helplessly.

“Everyone loves cake,” he says defensively.

“It’s a joke,” Nick says. “I can do cake for breakfast.”

“Glad to have you back, Nick,” Fin says, walking up and clapping a hand against Nick’s shoulder.

“Good to be back, Fin. Even if I’m on desk duty for the next few weeks.”

“If you do well, I’ll relieve you early,” Liv says winking.

Nick nods and turns to the cake. It looks homemade – probably Carisi’s mother. He’s not really in the mood for sweets, but it looks so damn good on the table.

“So who wants cake?” he asks. “I’ll serve.”

 

(Day 371)

Nick doesn’t run into Barba until the other SVU detectives are neck deep in a case. He’s done all the paperwork and research for it, so he’s still involved, but still not allowed to go out and talk to suspects. There’s a part of him that is kind of nervous about returning to interrogations. It brings a bad part of him out. Otherwise, Liv is giving him leeway in throwing around ideas and getting involved.

She knows he’s a good detective and doesn’t want to stifle his talent.

But Barba comes in while they’re talking about taking the case to court. The woman has agreed to press charges but there are holes in her case. Liv called Barba in to help them sort it out.

He walks into the precinct, carrying a coffee in one hand and his briefcase in the other. Just like he always does. At first he looks at Nick’s desk, covered in papers and then away. Then he does a double take back at it. Apparently Nick’s desk has been unoccupied the entire time.

Barba starts to look around until his gaze lands on Nick whose staring back at him. Nick and Amanda were setting up the board for Barba’s arrival and are already at the table. They stare at each other for a long time.

“Barba!” Liv calls, exiting her office and breaking the tense moment. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Barba nods.

“Fin filled me in over the phone,” he says. “The case has holes? From what he’s told me, there’s enough for judge to not even allow this case to come to court.”

“That’s why we need your advice. Amaro’s been doing some digging and found a few things we think you should take a look at.”

“Amaro,” Barba says slowly.

“Yeah,” Liv says, smiling. “A year away and now he’s back with us.”

The two of them walk up to the table and Nick hands Barba a folder from the table.

“Our vic Melissa Sanders has had several rape cases already taken to court. All of them the alleged attacker has been found innocent,” Nick says. “Not by jury, however. The charges were all dropped.”

“She’s openly admitted to us that they were false allegations,” Amanda continues. “And this time, her rapist is one of those she made false allegations against."

Barba flips through the file, brow furrowing.

“Holes? This case is like swiss cheese,” he mutters and then looks up. “What makes you think this time it’s credible? The motives are there but there’s enough for the defense to tear this to pieces.”

“Her rape kit,” Liv says. “She was a mess in the hospital with injuries consistent with the assault she described. We also have several eye witness backing it up.”

“I need more on the rapist. Find me something that shows a pattern of violence. There must have been a reason that she made the false allegation in the first place. Find it,” Barba says.

“Nick that’s you,” Liv says. “Rollins, get Carisi and go talk to Melissa again. Get all details on her false allegations. Thank you Barba, I’ll give you a call when we get this sorted out.”

Barba nods. Nick is gathering his papers and is about to head back to his desk when Barba turns his attention back to him. The look Barba gives him reminds Nick of when they barely knew each other.

“Detective Amaro, glad to see you back,” Barba says, giving him a thin smile.

Square one it is then.

“Good to see you too, Counsellor,” Nick says giving him a half grin.

Nick’s not really that okay with it.

 

(Day 373)

“I need to talk to you,” Nick says busting into Barba’s office.

He looks up from the stack of papers he’s reviewing, raising an eyebrow. In the background, they can both hear Barba’s assistant calling after him. When she arrives at the door, Barba waves her off and offers Nick his full attention.

“It’s about Melissa’s case,” Nick says. “I found something I thought you should see.”

“The case has fallen apart, Nick. I’m sorry but I can’t bring it to court,” Barba says, returning to the papers.

Nick waves a USB stick in front of Barba’s face.

“This changes everything,” Nick says confidently.

Barba nods and pulls his laptop out of his briefcase. From Barba’s demeanor, Nick gets that Barba is humouring him. It’s the general behaviour Barba has when an SVU detective claims to have something to resurrect a case. It rarely works, but Nick knows this is worth it.

Nick hands Barba the USB to inject it. He then makes his around the desk and stands right behind Barba.

“The first file,” Nick says, leaning in and pointing to the computer screen.

“Security footage?” Barba asks. “Shouldn’t you have brought this to me earlier?”

“It’s not on the street where Melissa was assaulted and the angle is bad. We wouldn’t have bothered to check but I followed the path that Melissa described being taken down and found a camera that the initial sweep ignored.”

Nick leans closer so his chest is almost pressed against Barba’s shoulder to fast-forward the footage a few hours. After a few seconds of watching the footage, Nick hits play button. The video returns to normal speed. The alley is on the edge of the screen and the part of interest only occurs over ten seconds.

“Right there,” he says, pointing at the entrance to the alley. “That’s from the street where Melissa’s apartment is located.

Nick feels a little bad about the smile that creeps on his face as he watches Melissa being dragged from the alley and down the street. But he’s excited because now they can prove without a reasonable doubt that Melissa was raped.

“This is good,” Barba says nodding. “Nice job, Nick.”

“So you can take this forward?” Nick asks.

“It will still be difficult, the defense will try and argue that this is a setup. But it’s the undeniable truth that something did happen.”

Nick leaps back, ready to tell Liv. He can’t stop smiling. His first case back and he’s on fire, even though he’s constrained to desk duty.

“I’ll come with you,” Barba says standing. “Liv and I will have to talk about this as well.”

Nick nods. It’s a sensible decision.

“Did you drive here?” Barba asks.

Nick shakes his head.

“Cab.”

Barba nods and pulls out his phone. He taps the screen a few times before turning back to Nick.

“Uber is on its way,” he says. “Ten minutes.”

Nick nods.

“So how’s it been?” Barba asks. “Back in New York?”

“Better,” Nick says. “Working again is nice. I spent far too much time in LA doing nothing.”

“I’m glad you managed to figure it out,” Barba says honestly.

Nick doesn’t respond. The two of them stand awkwardly on the street curb until the Uber arrives. It’s only as Barba gets in the car that Nick realizes he has something that he wants to say. Barba looks at him as Nick remains on the sidewalk. Nick can’t believe this is happening, his heart is beating far too fast and he suddenly can’t stand the distance that’s grown between him and Barba. Getting into the car would only escalate the oncoming anxiety. He feels trapped.

“I’m sorry,” Nick says. “I know you said you’ve forgiven me but you still deserve an apology. I took you for granted, I ignored your calls, and treated you poorly.”

“Get in the Uber, Nick,” Barba says sighing.

“I don’t really know if I can,” Nick says. “I just can’t – I thought it was alright but you’re the last piece. I can’t handle us being at square one again.”

“ _Nick_ ,” Barba says, stressing his name.

The driver is trying really hard to not look like he’s listening in.

“I can’t do it,” Nick says and he starts walking away.

The door shuts and he hears the car drive away. Nick assumes that Barba has driven away in the Uber. Liv needs the information as soon as possible. And without a doubt, the job will come out on top of any personal problems they may have.

“Nick!” Barba calls.

Turning around, Nick sees Barba running over to him. He looks a little ridiculous running in such a heavy coat but Nick doesn’t feel like laughing.

“Are you hungry?” Barba says when he catches up. “I skipped lunch so let’s get something to eat.”

Nick nods even though he’s not very hungry. The overwhelming feelings have made it difficult to focus on anything other than them.

Barba leads them to a tiny diner not too far from the DA’s office. They’ve been here a few times before. For some reason it’s one of Barba’s favourites. They serve good food but service is slow. A fast paced man such as Barba doesn’t have time for slow lunches.

They’re greeted by a chirpy waitress who seats them in a booth at the very back of the restaurant. It’s between lunch and dinner so it’s not too busy. A fair amount of people are seated at the tables, however, creating a nice ambience. Nick and Barba’s conversation will be lost in the din.

“My treat,” Barba says as they take a seat.

“Liv is expecting me back,” Nick says.

He’s long learned that there’s no point in arguing with Barba over paying for meals. Other tactics to get out of said meal are still unlikely to be effective but Nick still tries.

“She’ll understand,” Barba says confidently as he browses the menu.

Liv will be annoyed but she’ll understand.

“Do you really need to look?” Nick asks. “You come here so often that I would’ve thought you had the menu memorized.”

“I don’t like pressuring the people who eat with me,” Barba replies, but he sets down the menu. “Especially considering your apparent anxiety.”

Ignoring the comment, Nick mimics the action. Barba raises an eyebrow inquisitively.

“You took me to each here one too many times,” Nick says. “I recall being told that it was more efficient to know what you are eating here before you sit down.”

“A wise man,” Barba says.

The waitress returns and takes their drink orders and food orders. She bounces off to fetch their drinks: a coffee for the two of them and a glass of water for Nick.

“Water,” Nick says when the drinks arrive. “You should try it sometime.”

“Coffee sustains me just fine,” Barba replies, taking a long sip. “So now that we’re settled, do you want to tell me about what happened outside?”

Maybe he should’ve taken up Dr. Schaub’s offer and gotten a referral.

“What are you my shrink?” Nick questions mildly.

Barba just gives him an annoyed look. Nick exhales and runs a hand through his hair. They’re silent for a few beats while Barba allows Nick to collect his thoughts. For a fast talking lawyer like Barba it’s a sweet gesture. It’s then that Nick remembers that there’s more to Barba than being an efficient ADA. This past year, Nick’s been remembering Barba as the job and not the man.

“I just can’t start back at the beginning with you,” Nick says, the words tumbling out before he’s really sure there the ones he wants. “A lot of this is like starting out fresh but at the same time I’m trying to pretend that last year didn’t happen. We worked so hard to be better to each other – I can’t go back to being ‘Detective Amaro’ and ‘Counselor’ again.”

“We don’t have to,” Barba says.

“But we can’t just be friends,” Nick stresses. “We weren’t friends before.”

“So you want to go back to whatever it was we were doing?” Barba asks and there’s a tint of bitterness in his voice.

Nick winces.

“No – well yes. It’s complicated to explain,” Nick says.

“Try me,” Barba says. “I deal with jumbled up testimonies every day of my life. I’m good at putting the pieces together.”

Nick sighs and tries to get the words out. He explains that he wants to be in a relationship with Barba, like before Nick got shot. But he doesn’t want it to go directly to that point; they need to spend more time building a real foundation.

“And I want to make it a real relationship,” Nick finishes. “Like we can be _partners_ or whatever you want to call us.”

Barba’s response is cut off by the arrival of their food. The daily soup and sandwich for Barba (he likes the surprise, which is odd since his job requires that he hates surprises) and Nick ordered the pasta dish. Neither of them dives in right away. Nick’s heart beats quickly in anticipation of Barba’s response.

“I agree with everything you said,” Barba says. “I was also afraid of having to start over with you. You’re a very difficult person at times.”

“I could say the same.”

Barba’s lips quirk upwards as he nods in concession.

“We don’t have to start over, but we can’t just pick up off where we left,” Barba says very seriously. “I accept your apology, Nick. Let’s try this again.”

Exhaling, Nick feels an enormous weight off his chest. Finally things are returning to a state that he can accept.

 

(Day 378)

Melissa’s case is taken to court. Nick gets to sit down and watch a court case for the first time in what feels like years. Watching Rafael in his element is one of the most soothing activities Nick can partake in. Though it’s a high stress environment and emotions are elevated, Rafael always manages to keep himself cool and collected. Sometimes he gets heated, but that’s when Rafael is slipping into a groove.

Liv comes in late on the first day, slipping in next to him.

“This is all thanks to you,” she whispers. “Melissa’s going to get justice thanks to you.”

“Just going my job, Lieutenant,” Nick tells her.

“Well after the verdict, I’m relieving you of desk duty,” she says. “Here.”

Nick looks down and sees that Liv is handing back his shield. He takes it gently into his hands, like it’s the most precious thing in the world. He hasn’t even been back on for that long. Liv’s faith in him is one of the most important things in the world. His returned shield – it’s a physical apparition of that faith.

“Thank you,” he tells her, voice breaking with emotion.

“It was all you Nick,” she says, clasping a hand around his neck. “We were all rooting for you.”

He smiles down at the badge and then returns back to Rafael objecting to the defense’s comment.

The pieces of his life are coming back together.

 

(Day 389)

Nick’s pulled the picture of himself and Rafael out of his wallet and is staring at it while waiting. He still uses it as a constant reminder that happiness is possible. He’s happy right now, but it’s so easy to lose it. But Nick just doesn’t want to lose sight of it every again.

“Sorry I’m late,” Rafael says meeting him outside of his office.

“It’s fine,” Nick says and goes to tuck the picture away.

“What’s that?” Rafael asks, catching his wrist.

“Just a picture,” Nick replies. “I like to keep it on me – in case I get sad.”

Rafael rolls his eyes. He knows exactly what picture Nick is talking about. Nick tilts the picture so Rafael can see it.

“I’m not even smiling in that one,” Rafael says.

“It’s all in your eyes,” Nick replies.

Rafael let’s out a bark of laughter.

“That’s cheesy.”

“It works,” Nick argues. “Not let’s get something to eat, today was my first day out the desk and I’m beat.”

“I know just the place,” Rafael says.

 

(Day 400)

Nick forgets all about Maria coming with Zara. He had been looking forward to it all week, but SVU has suddenly been swept up in an intense case. After the day’s shift, he went home and was met by Rafael at his apartment. The plans were to have a calm evening with no discussion of work.

They were in the process of choosing what to order for dinner when there’s a knock on the door.

“Shit,” Nick says. “I forgot.”

Rafael’s already at the door when Nick announces his mistake.

“It’s Maria and Zara,” he warns. “You don’t have – you can go if you want.”

Rafael doesn’t say anything as he pulls open the door. Nick prepares himself for Maria’s wrath and Rafael stepping out. Nick won’t blame him. The whole ‘I have a kid’ can be overwhelming.

“You’re Rafael,” Maria says, shocked.

“Daddy!” Zara calls and runs into the apartment.

Nick receives her but is far too interested in the exchange at the door.

“I don’t think we’ve ever met,” Rafael says even though he definitely knows who Maria is.

“There was a picture,” she says faltering. “And shattered glass and Nick was crying. Now you’re here.”

“Now I’m here,” Rafael agrees.

Maria turns to look at Nick. He can see the ‘we’ll talk later’ look on her face. That’s not a conversation he’s looking forward to.

“I’ll be back in a few days to pick Zara up,” she says, handing Rafael Zara’s bag.

He accepts in graciously. Just like this a normal thing they do every weekend. Maria drops Zara off with Nick and gives Zara’s bag to Nick’s boyfriend.

“Bye Mom!” Zara calls, waving.

Maria waves back and blows her a kiss before leaving. Rafael closes the door behind her and sets Zara’s bag down on the floor. Another very casual and normalized gesture.

“Zara this is Rafael,” Nick says. “He’s – uh – a very good friend of mine.”

“Hello Rafi!” Zara greets.

Nick stifles a laugh as Rafael’s face. He’s dismayed at how quickly Zara picked up on the nickname.

“That’s an ugly shirt,” she continues.

Nick lets the laugh out this time.

“You know what?” Rafael says. “Your father says the exact same thing, maybe I should just get rid of it.”

“I agree,” Zara says, nodding. “Daddy knows what he’s talking about.”

She then flits across the room to grab her bag and heads to her room.

“You still want to stay?” Nick asks.

“The only thing that’s been confirmed here is that poor fashion sense is genetic,” Rafael sniffs. “But I’ll let her choose what we get for dinner because I think good taste runs in the family.”

 

( ~~Day --)~~   Epilogue

There’s someone knocking at the door. Nick wakes up with a start and tries to kick at Rafael to get it. He’s a morning person after all. When Nick’s leg doesn’t hit anything he opens an eye to realize that the other half of the bed is empty. He turns to see the photograph of Liv and Noah on his nightstand. Smiling at it, he sits up in bed and looks around for Rafael.

No sign of him in the bedroom. Though his suit from yesterday is folded up neatly on the chair Rafael insisted Nick get for his bedroom.

Whoever is at the door is still knocking and Nick gets a strange sense of déjà vu.

“Answer the door!” Nick calls, hoping Rafael will answer.

The knocking gets more insistent, as if angered that Nick tried to get someone else to answer the door. Nick swings his legs out of bed and there’s a jolt of pain from his knee. He’s been forgetting to do his PT workouts so it’s stiffened up somewhat. Hobbling out of bed, Nick makes his way through the apartment and yanks open the door.

It’s Rafael.

His skin is flushed and he’s got an annoyed look on his face. Nick notices that he’s wearing his ridiculous jogging outfit. Odd that Rafael getting up and getting ready for jogging didn’t wake Nick up.

“I forgot a key,” Rafael mutters sheepishly and wanders back into the apartment.

Nick shuts the door behind him. Rafael immediately notices his limp.

“Is your knee alright?” he asks.

“I’ve been getting lazy with managing it,” Nick admits. “That’s all.”

Rafael scowls at him.

“I hate the PT workout,” Nick says.

“Come jogging with me then,” Rafael says. “You said that all you really need to do is be active on it.”

“Will I get an outfit like yours?” Nick teases.

“We can match,” Rafael replies, giving Nick the smile he gets in court when a witness has left themselves open for attack.

“Blue’s not really my colour,” Nick replies.

“We can go to an athletics’ store after your shift today,” Rafael offers. “Start jogging tomorrow.”

“You mean you don’t have a special tailor for your jogging gear? I’m shocked.”

“Just for that, you have to wait to use the shower. Have fun being late.”

Rafael leans forward and gives him a quick kiss. When he pulls away, he’s got his ‘I just won in court’ smile on. Nick lets out a huff of laughter as Rafael makes his way to the bathroom.

This is the good life. Even with the pained knee and pain in the ass boyfriend. Nick wouldn’t change either of them for the world.

 

XX

 

It’s a quiet day at SVU. A few minor assault arrests and a couple of statements. So other than getting razzed by the others for being late, it’s a good day. Though sitting at his desk all day doesn’t really help Nick’s knee.

“You alright?” Fin asks as Nick struggles to stand up from his desk.

“Just skipped PT,” Nick says. “Stupid mistake.”

“I’ll say,” Carisi comments. “Wanna do some jumping jacks in one of the interrogation rooms? I know a few routines that should get you nice and loose.”

“I think I’ll pass,” Nick says.

“Pick better word choices,” Amanda says from her desk.

“Is this what SVU has been reduced to?” Liv says as she enters the office. “Talking about exercise routines and Carisi’s word choice?”

Noah had a doctor’s appointment. They’ve been less frequent and getting closer to what a healthy child requires.

“Slow day today, boss,” Carisi says, flipping through some papers. “It’s like all the sex offenders decided to take a day off.”

“Couldn’t they pick a day like Christmas?” Liv says as she walks through the office.

She stops at Nick’s desk and drops a package off at his desk.

“I’ve been getting some noise from upstairs about getting a sergeant who isn’t temporary,” she says. “I told them that I’d only accept one number two. Get studying, Amaro.”

Liv walks off into her office after.

“Nice!” Carisi announces. “Soon we’ll be calling you Sarge!”

“Only you, Carisi,” Amanda corrects him, then turns to look at Nick. “Open it up.”

Nick peels off the brown packaging to reveal the study workbook for the sergeant’s exam. He can’t help the surge of elation that rushes through him. He thought it might take longer, but Liv’s vouched for him.

“There’s no harm in trying,” he tells himself.

“You’ll do great,” Fin assures him. “If anyone deserves to be Liv’s number 2, it’s you.”

With all the pieces finally slotted together, Nick feels at peace with himself. He may still have reasons to dislike himself and events that make his life difficult, but at least he knows that his life in New York is one that will always welcome him back.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @jjamestiberius - I'm looking for more SVU blogs to follow :*
> 
> I beta'd this myself and I'm prone to getting too familiar with the work and missing mistakes. If you catch any, please let me know!


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